yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My liver just broke up with me...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I need moral support for this bender
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
