he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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