Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
