just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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