we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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