if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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