today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
