i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
