I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
