Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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