i already hear my dad disowning me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
