im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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