im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize