you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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