He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
there is glitter all over my balls
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