You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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