So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
