I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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