What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
