I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
