bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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