Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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