Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
