i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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