I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
