I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
