this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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