I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
