Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
