I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
