try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
