my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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