i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
