he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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