please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
