I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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