Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
