I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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