How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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