someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
