Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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