**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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