Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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