And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
