when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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