considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
