Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
