Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize