she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
