I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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