my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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