I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
