I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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