So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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