Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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